1. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on Kingston Bypass - Motorists were asked to be on the look out for 16 hardened criminals.
7. Well I was bullied at School, called all kinds of names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From then on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
10. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
11. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
12. You know that look women get when they wan't s*x? No, me neither.
13. Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
14. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint - to - toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel more manly.
5. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law to have a fire in your back garden.
6. Nobody ever dares make cup -a-soup in a bowl.
7. You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9. The smaller the monkey, the more it looks like it would kill you at the first opportunity.
10. Every bloke has at some stage whilst taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11. It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee.
12. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15. Despite constant warning , you have never met anyone who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16. You've turned into your Dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on Mascara with their mouths closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5. Why it is called Alcoholic's Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'
6. Why are they called stairs inside and steps outside?
7. Why is there a light on in the fridge but not the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp that no one would eat?
10. Is French Kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. Why is the person who handles your money called a broker?
15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16. Why is it that when someone tells you there are over a billion stars in the sky you believe them, but when someone tells you there is wet paint somewhere you have to touch it to make sure?
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